I thought I'd start this post with an explanation of why it's been three months since I last posted, but then I realized that the explanation might as well make up the body of my post, since it's something I've been meaning to touch upon...
This blog is where I like to capture those bits and pieces of my babyloss-Auntie experience that I think can help other people who find themselves in similar situations. Whether someone has lost their own child, or has family or friends experiencing such a loss, I feel like we can all benefit from our shared perspective. In "real life" outside the blogosphere, babyloss remains a taboo subject, and the resulting isolation is in my opinion a major barrier to healing when it is needed most.
But I do have to admit that I am sensitive to the fact that many visiting this site may be early in their grief journeys, when our perspective is consumed with all of the pain of the loss. So I try to limit my posts to those experiences that are quite specific to my life as a babyloss-Auntie. The result, I think, is that readers here see only a compartmentalized version of what my life has become since my incredible nephew marked it so indelibly. Today, nearly three years since Aiden's death and birth, I find him so inextricably linked to my everyday life that it's hard to find little snippets to bring here that don't tread too far outside the realm of grief.
So that's why you haven't heard from me here in a while. I am still here. It's just that I'm having difficulty finding the right words to pass on to this audience.
But in the meantime, regardless of the amount of text on the front page of my blog here, the actual Teddy Bear Tins effort continues to grow and amaze me. I am so thankful for the peace it brings. :)
November 15, 2011
August 22, 2011
Fear & Trust
Ever since I first became pregnant with my son, and especially since he was born, I have carried this fear with me. I know it's only August but at the end of every year I try to think back to what the main themes were and I hate to say it, but I feel like fear is one for me this year. I am just so afraid of something bad happening to my son, more specifically it's like I'm constantly afraid that he's suddenly going to die. Aiden died, babies die. I know, I've seen it myself. So who's to say that it couldn't happen to Jack? Every little stuffy nose, every trip to daycare, is somehow a risk for death.
My logical mind says this is ridiculous. And I think that to a degree most new parents experience it as well. But I can't help but feel that my experience has played a bit different of a part in how I process daily life with my little one. More "innocent" mothers seem to carry on with their lives ignorant of all the risks and possible bad outcomes, and I find myself wishing I could be more like them. I struggle daily to shake the fear and trust a bit more that good things are wanted for me and for Jack. I don't want this fear to become a wedge in my life. But it's just so hard to trust.
There is a song by Newsboys on Christian Radio lately that repeats the verse "You give and take away" as a bit of an anthem. I can't stand it, and just for that verse. I know there is biblical precedent, and I know I'm interpreting this in a rather narrow-minded manner, but for me it smacks of God being an Indian-giver. I don't want Him to take Jack away, just like I didn't want Him to take Aiden away. I've experienced enough of the "take away" thank you very much!
I think you get the idea of the circular path my thoughts have been taking lately. I want to shake the fear, I don't like the burden it brings, but to get rid of it I know I have to trust, and in my perspective my trust has already been seriously betrayed.
I seem to turn a blind eye to the "giving" side of the equation, and the fact that I have been given this incredible gift. Every morning when I cuddle my son, pretending to hide from my husband who takes Jack off to daycare, I'm amazed at just how much I have. Every moment is precious. That is one lesson I'm not likely to forget. I wonder how much more fraught this path must be for parents who have lost their own children, and who later welcome rainbow babies.
Maybe some of this is about building a stronger trust than I had before, one day, after the struggle has had more time to do its work. For now it is a constant challenge.
In two weeks my brother is flying east and will be meeting Jack for the very first time. How precious that time will be, I can't wait. While he's here I'm hoping to talk to him about an idea I've had about holding a Memorial Service for Aiden. I've read about other families who have a service on anniversaries or even just on a special occasion. We had a small ceremony for Aiden the week that he passed, but it was such a blur. Carrying Aiden's memory is something that brings me a lot of peace. I know that many people not directly in our circle don't understand that, and still see babyloss as a taboo subject, but some of these Memorial Services seem so beautiful and they're really a thing of support and remembrance. How wonderful that would be to add to our memory books. Definitely better than dwelling in fear.
My logical mind says this is ridiculous. And I think that to a degree most new parents experience it as well. But I can't help but feel that my experience has played a bit different of a part in how I process daily life with my little one. More "innocent" mothers seem to carry on with their lives ignorant of all the risks and possible bad outcomes, and I find myself wishing I could be more like them. I struggle daily to shake the fear and trust a bit more that good things are wanted for me and for Jack. I don't want this fear to become a wedge in my life. But it's just so hard to trust.
There is a song by Newsboys on Christian Radio lately that repeats the verse "You give and take away" as a bit of an anthem. I can't stand it, and just for that verse. I know there is biblical precedent, and I know I'm interpreting this in a rather narrow-minded manner, but for me it smacks of God being an Indian-giver. I don't want Him to take Jack away, just like I didn't want Him to take Aiden away. I've experienced enough of the "take away" thank you very much!
I think you get the idea of the circular path my thoughts have been taking lately. I want to shake the fear, I don't like the burden it brings, but to get rid of it I know I have to trust, and in my perspective my trust has already been seriously betrayed.
I seem to turn a blind eye to the "giving" side of the equation, and the fact that I have been given this incredible gift. Every morning when I cuddle my son, pretending to hide from my husband who takes Jack off to daycare, I'm amazed at just how much I have. Every moment is precious. That is one lesson I'm not likely to forget. I wonder how much more fraught this path must be for parents who have lost their own children, and who later welcome rainbow babies.
Maybe some of this is about building a stronger trust than I had before, one day, after the struggle has had more time to do its work. For now it is a constant challenge.
In two weeks my brother is flying east and will be meeting Jack for the very first time. How precious that time will be, I can't wait. While he's here I'm hoping to talk to him about an idea I've had about holding a Memorial Service for Aiden. I've read about other families who have a service on anniversaries or even just on a special occasion. We had a small ceremony for Aiden the week that he passed, but it was such a blur. Carrying Aiden's memory is something that brings me a lot of peace. I know that many people not directly in our circle don't understand that, and still see babyloss as a taboo subject, but some of these Memorial Services seem so beautiful and they're really a thing of support and remembrance. How wonderful that would be to add to our memory books. Definitely better than dwelling in fear.
July 8, 2011
Numbers :)
76 Teddy Bear Tins have been delivered to 2 hospitals
43 more completed tins are being picked up by the hospital in the next few days
9 volunteers currently have kits and are painting an additional 64 tins
2 more volunteers have offered their time once I have more kits available
I'm planning to add 1 more hospital in the near future, which will mean that Teddy Bear Tins are provided to hospitals in 3 different states
We're going through tins so quickly I only have 5 more blanks left before I need to place another order
...All of this adds up to an immeasurable benefit that has been provided by the many kind people who have made Teddy Bear Tins a success
Lately when I think of Aiden I often quickly think of Teddy Bear Tins as well, and it makes me smile because this little idea has become a reality. I guess in a way to me it helps because as the time passes and I feel further away from the reality of holding him in that hospital room, I have something else very tangible that is a part of his memory as well.
1 dining room that has been taken over for another purpose.... :-P
43 more completed tins are being picked up by the hospital in the next few days
9 volunteers currently have kits and are painting an additional 64 tins
2 more volunteers have offered their time once I have more kits available
I'm planning to add 1 more hospital in the near future, which will mean that Teddy Bear Tins are provided to hospitals in 3 different states
We're going through tins so quickly I only have 5 more blanks left before I need to place another order
...All of this adds up to an immeasurable benefit that has been provided by the many kind people who have made Teddy Bear Tins a success
Lately when I think of Aiden I often quickly think of Teddy Bear Tins as well, and it makes me smile because this little idea has become a reality. I guess in a way to me it helps because as the time passes and I feel further away from the reality of holding him in that hospital room, I have something else very tangible that is a part of his memory as well.
1 dining room that has been taken over for another purpose.... :-P
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
