Baby Boom

It seems like babies always come in bunches. Just shy of 18 months ago, half of my female coworkers were all in their last trimester. I was surrounded by babies. Then there was mostly quiet, and now again I find myself surrounded by glowing mothers-to-be.

Friends, acquaintances, family. And I think I'm handling it very well.

I'm sure they wonder how I'm doing. I know they tip-toe around me. They are so kind to think of someone else when they have a lot of their own life to focus on right now.

This morning Carly put it so simply, how I feel for these expectant mothers. It's not anger, it's not hurt (well, at least not directly), it's not even really jealousy. ...It's fear, and sadness. Fear that something will go wrong and they and their families will join this miserable club. I do worry myself sick about them. Every happy comment they make, I feel compelled to tell them to remember and hold onto every precious moment. But I hold myself back.

I'm conflicted about whether or not to say anything, to pass on any lessons learned as it were. Because I remember what it was like to not know about this other side. And while I was naive then, did that really make it hurt any more or less in the end? Carly put it so succinctly... These people may be naive, but they are just more innocent than anything else. And innocence lost is innocence lost, regardless of when it happens. So maybe it's just nice to let people keep their innocence, and to pray they can always be that way.

More people should know of the truth of stillbirth, and that the United States has one of the worst rates of infant mortality in the civilized world. This I believe is necessary to have any hope of enacting change. We should not hide this just because it is a difficult topic. To do so is a great disservice to ourselves. I strongly believe that.

But I think it may be OK to let mothers-to-be just be. Even when your heart aches in worry for them.