Life Now

Lately as I've been thinking about what would be a good topic for a new post here, the idea that most often comes to mind is that folks may be wondering what my life is like now. It's been 3 and a half years since I experienced the death and birth of my sweet nephew, and surely things are different now. Really, what is it like when those first raw months have passed? What is it like living life without Aiden?

It's that last question that finally set the trigger in my mind. Now there's a question I can speak to!

...What is life like without Aiden?

My answer is simple and yet I feel like it is worth explaining - My answer is, "I don't know."

When Aiden first died, the thought of the future was always scary because it was always a future without him. I think that's a natural tendency for anyone who has experienced a loss. You focus on how your loved one is gone and will not be there any more, physically, in your life. But what I wasn't seeing at the time was that from the moment Aiden arrived he was in my life for good.

My life is not the same as it would have been if God had never graced me with my nephew's short appearance. Not even close. For one thing I changed my mind about the importance of careers and careful plans and other such silliness and decided to have a child of my own, who is now the love of my life. I also searched for an outlet for my grief and found an amazing community of people, literally touching every corner of the globe, whom I would never have met otherwise. I became closer with my brother. I gained skills to better support friends and family members who experience tragedies of their own. I learned how to paint teddy bears...

I don't know what life is like without Aiden because from the moment I met him he has been a major part of it - affecting it in concrete, physical, undeniable ways. I wish I had seen that in those first months, so that I would have spent less of my energy fearing that my nephew had somehow been stolen from my life. Aiden may have died, but nothing can erase him.

For that, I am forever grateful.